Some people say I’m lucky—and that they wish they had what I have.
One: I don’t really have the desire to chase love. And if I do start to like someone, I end up ignoring them. Then, just as easily, I stop liking them altogether.
Why do I ignore them? Because I already know—if liking turns into love, I’d start thinking I own them. I remember something I did as a kid. There was this boy I used to manipulate—made him think the things I wanted were his own ideas. One day, he told me he liked the same person I liked. I had been trying to ignore those feelings, but that? That got to me. So I did something that got him in trouble. He ended up getting scolded and punished by the teacher, even tho I was the one behind it.
This is why I try not to like someone.
Two: I never cry. Not even for people close to me. Even when someone died—I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel sad. I just don’t feel empathy toward others.
People say that’s great—because it helps with things like business, or handling life logically. But honestly, if someone does something bad to me and then turns around and says something sad like, “I’m sorry,” or cries about their past—why should I care? You hurt me. So I’ll return the favor. Simple.
Do you know how exhausting it is to use logic all the time? When I was younger, I was worse. I once tried to smash someone’s head and hand—but they deserved it. But there were times I hurt people who didn’t even do anything to me. I broke a dog’s leg once, for no reason. My dad once tried to kill himself with a gun. He was crying, saying my name. I just stared at him. I knew he was going to die. I didn’t care. I just kept watching TV.
People still think that’s a good thing?
At least now, I’m more aware that empathy can matter in someways. If I do something wrong, I’ll apologize. I’ll try to make it right—even if I don’t feel guilt. And I won’t do it again. That’s how I think.
Unlike people who do feel guilty—who only apologize because they got caught. Then they do it again… and again. That fake emotional cycle? Yeah. It’s disgusting. Driven by their own feelings, doing the same bad things over and over, pretending they’re sorry.
Three: I’ve lost my sense of being disturbed. Some say that’s a strength—but it’s not. A person who can’t be disturbed? That’s someone to be afraid of. They have no filter. No emotional brakes.
At least now, even if I can’t feel like others do, I think about what I say. I think about how I act.
I did get into therapy once cause it was free and I was just curious why I'm like this. And it said it sounded like I have conduct disorder and now I'm turning almost 18 I have to do something like testing for ASPD after that i did leave immediately.
I never like therapy. what if it got into my record and can affect my way getting a job one day or anything.
I already knew the whole world have a stereotypes on that kind of person who have that.
That's why I did leave immediately and still I think it was a funny moments cause, bruh didn't expect it that I would leave during the session.