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It’s been a while since I have divined. The pendulums lay still in their bowl, the books lay unfinished, the cards haven’t been shuffled, and the runes haven’t been pulled. I will be doing more divination now that change is coming. I don’t have much need to divine in summer, but as we near the end It would be very helpful. I’m preparing spells in preparation, but I must admit I’m a bit nervous going back to school. Which is normal though a part of me feels oddly excited for what fate has up there sleeves.

My grandpa (who was more like a dad to me) unexpectedly died a few days ago and I still don’t think I have actually digested that he’s just dead. My older cousin lives with our grandparents as their in-house caretaker, and his heart just stopped while my cousin was with him. It literally doesn’t feel real, even after I went to his service Monday. We’re getting his ashes back soon, and I still can’t even process that he’s dead. Sometimes it feels incredibly fake, and other times it feels so real that I just want to vomit. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

I am scared. Am I trying to live my life or pretend live someone else’s.

My grandmother kept a candy bowl on a table by her front door. Growing up, I would sneak butterscotches and strawberry sweets. During the pandemic, my grandmother moved into assisted living. On my first visit after lockdown, I saw how much of her 90-year life she had discarded to fit into her new residence. Yet, she’d saved the familiar bowl. Driving home, I discovered that she’d slipped its candy into my purse. Years before, when I had confessed my childhood thievery, she laughed. “Why do you think I kept it on that low table? It’s always been for you.”

I wanna just end it. Im tired of barely making it to the next day.