Dear stranger, I don’t really know how to start this, but....I need to get this off my mind.
I'm tired
Of what?
Everything
Everyone
But one person
Lately I been having trouble..crying then numb then my heart stabbed.
My whole life this has happened. You think snice I'm older I would be use to it.
I'm so fucking not.
My real father is on drugs...
When I was six I push him out of my life
Cause one I knew where that was going
And two I knew that leaving drugs and beer around me was not right....fun fact I had my first beer at four or five and I puke on him after sipping it.
Anyways he got back into my life.
I decided "sure"
Worst thing ever
He less druggie sure
But he ignores me every other week unless he wants to play victim with my mother who still defends him cause her first love.
But like he beat her
My first memory is her broke nose
Like a baddie she didn't cry
She went to the bathroom and snapped it I'm place which btw is dangerous and do not do. Go to a hospital.
That was so scary.
That is just the tip of the iceberg.
I wanna scream at him
But it not him anymore.
The man who called me princess is gone
And so is that poor little girl.
But like a fucking fool I let hin back
Thinking she could be alive again
That he could be alive again
Today he yelled at my mother through text
Again
After weeks of him ignoring her
Then randomly while she finally fights back
He says don't text me I'm going through something
When i saw that...
I sat and stare at the floor like "oh..."
I have this lingering feeling...
Another daddy issues girl I guess
I should be understanding
I should be fine
But honestly....I'm not
I wanna cut myself again
I wanna fuck a random guy
I wanna do something to get my mind off it
But I cant...
Why? Cause that'd weak
That's not me...
If it was sure okay?
But me is the girl who smiles and laughs and makes sure everyone is okay and not mad at her. I'm never mad unless someone hurt my mom....but lately I'm mad...now today I'm sad. When can I be okay again? When will my body give that permission?
Like June 14 body is like sure you earn it
Wtf!
I was okay for years well not okay okay
But I was good at faking it
Now I can't do that even
Sadly the only reason he reach out is cause he getting sober for my young siblings that are from a different mother.
I haven't even met them.
All I can think is
Are they gonna be okay?
Is he gonna finally grown up for them?
If not how can I help?
Then I have a selfish thought
"Why couldn't he get sober for me?"
"Why can't I have a dad?"
"Did I murder someone in my past life? If so how? And who? That interesting subject"
What should I do this?
How should I react?
How can I get better?