Idk what went wrong with me but growing up and looking back I’m starting to notice how odd my behaviours were as a child and I don’t know wether or not to tell my psychiatrist or therapist about any of these? As a child I always felt chronically bored all the time rverytime I look back there isnt a single feeling I get besides this empty hollow feeling inside my chest at 6-8 years old and feeling so bored all the time I would do just about anything possible at home to pass the day away. I felt bored at school, and as much as the persona of a cute happy kind nice lucky go girl persona I’ve built for myself yhats not who I truly am, I hated everyone at school since I was a child, the teachers, the staff, the students, my “friends”, etc. I was completely always alienated as a child and pushed away from others so I didn’t know how to even form human connections like other people did as a child and if anyone interacted with me it was to bully me. I was used by a lot of kids and tossed around a lot and talked to when they needed my help not because they liked me and I knew it at that age too yet I still went with it bc it was either doing something remotely less boring or being all alone by myself bored at school. My parents I think emotionally neglected me A LOT… growing up I remember this weird tweaked out homeless guy was yelling at ppl and he yelled at me and so ofc I cried??? My father proceeded to get so angry with me and berate me in the car and tell me how weak I was and I was a loser and a coward. I was probably around maybe 7-8? So much bad stuff happened in my childhood I can’t even remember the time frames all I get to remember are only just the bad terrible fragmented memories that cane back to me as my brain unlocked them randomly as I grew older. I had to endure getting groomed multiple times, and edured going through COCSA and yet still I can’t say anything about any of this to anyone else, because they won’t believe me. On top of that my mother would not just verbally and emotionally but also physically abuse me. Worst flashback I have is when dhe threw that knife at me that day and nearly missed killing me. I don’t know what I am now, who I am, who I want to be, I genuinely have no idea. I’ve only just mirrored others and acted like them or just put on this facade in front of others and even my family because my old true self was not welcome to ahy of them. Now I don’t think I even know my entire real self at all. If I were to show orhers in my life the little bits I have left of my real self they would be disgusted and find me evil maybe. I didn’t want to be this way, I never asked to feel this way either? Being religious makes you also feel a certain way about this because I don’t know if I should listen to them and feel guilt for being this way that I am, or to ignore them and tell myself that god doesn’t hate someone like me? But how do I know he doesn’t? What if I’m wrong? Will I be punished for the things I cannot control? I hate being this way I obviously went off track and didn’t talk other stuff I wanted to but I feel really as though a little of my symptoms for as long as I can remember all come down to feeling like and maybe even actually being a covert narcissist. I don’t like self diagnosis’ but I truly do fit almost 99% of the criteria and I hate that I do too. I dont know who to tell or what to do or to just ignore it and live my life with this pain staking feelings inside of me.