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I hate how college is making me. Tangina. Akala ko okay na ko—pero hindi pa pala and I am feeling it all again. Magaling akong estudyante—achiever. And then college came, at yung akala ko na matalino ako, hindi pala. Since I started my college journey, I made a promise to myself— to work extra hard, to push myself further than before. So I pushed myself twice as hard when I entered college. I did. I felt like I was studying harder than before. Harder than when I was in elementary and highschool. But then disappointment and burnout visited me— it changed me in ways I never imagined. I hate how I am feeling right now. Sobrang simple lang naman kasi ng pangarap ko, maging magaling lang naman sa school. Maging dean‘s lister. Hindi nga president's eh. Kasi hindi naman ako talented na anak, o may sports na pinagkakaabalahan, hindi rin ulirang anak. Sa isang bagay lang ako magaling—ang pagiging achiever. Ang pagiging magaling sa school. And I feel so disappointed in myself kasi konting-konti nalang, makakapasok na sana ko. Pero wala eh, may mga araw talaga na kahit doblehin mo ang effort mo, wala pa rin. Pero, tangina. Hindi ba sapat yung araw-araw fino-force ko yung sarili ko na mag-aral pa rin kahit na pagod na. Yung pilitin pa rin ang sarili na mag-aral hanggang alas tres ng umaga kahit gigising ng alas singko para lang mag-aral. Hindi pa ba sapat yung kahit nung birthday ko I did not choose to celebrate kasi may exam na paparating. And I literally chose to skip my grandparents‘ birthday and chose not to go home at my hometown kasi mag-aaral para sa exam. I skipped meals, said no to a lot of hangouts because I will study, sacrificed my health, and there were times where I ghosted my friends kasi sobrang busy—I basically sacrificed everything. Even myself. Lintik na yan, I made a lot of sacrifices para lang makakuha ng mataas na grades pero sa huli hindi pa rin umabot. Kaunti nalang eh. Kaunti nalang at qualified na sana pero hindi pa rin umabot. And this pressure will forever live inside of me until the rest of my college years. Wala naman ako ibang hinihiling—gusto ko lang maging magaling ulit. I want to be more. I want to prove to myself that I can be more. That I am made for more. And I hate how this is affecting my mental health.