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Main ye sab andar nahi rakh sakti. Ya Allah, meri dua sun le. Mujhe Maaz Irfan se apni mangni khatam karni hai. Main ye nahi kar sakti. Agar ye na tooti, to uske ghar walay meri zindagi jahannum bana dein ge. Mujhe pehle se hi lag raha hai ke woh mujhe gher rahe hain — unke comments, unki expectations, jis tarah woh mujhe dekhte hain. Mera dam ghut raha hai. Aur Maaz — usay band kar dena chahiye ye dikhana ke main koi trophy hoon jo usne jeet li hai. Jis tarah woh Instagram pe mere baare mein post karta hai, jaise duniya ka sab se khush naseeb aadmi hai. Woh apni ye qismat le kar bhaar mein jaaye. Maine ye nahi maanga tha. Maine nahi kaha tha ke mujhe sab ke saamne parade karwaya jaaye. Main dil se dua kar rahi hoon ke ye mangni toot jaaye. Please, please toot jaaye. Mujhe apna sukoon wapas chahiye. Main saans lena chahti hoon bina iske ke kisi aur ki family decide kare ke main kaun hoon. Agar kisi ko pata chale ke “mashallah” comments ke peeche asal mein kya chal raha hai, to woh samajh jaayein ge ke main kyun aaj raat takiye mein munh de kar ro rahi hoon. Ya Allah, mere liye koi raasta nikaal. Meri hifazat farma. Main bohat thak gayi hoon. Ya Allah, main toot rahi hoon. Andar se cheekh rahi hoon lekin awaaz bahar nahi aa rahi. Maaz Irfan. Ye naam sun ke mere jism mein jalan hoti hai. Ye mangni meri qabar ban rahi hai. Uske ghar walay — unki nazrein, unke taane, unke “beti” keh kar control karne ke tareeqay — mujhe zeher lagte hain. Main kisi ki beti nahi banna chahti agar beti ka matlab ye hai ke main apni marzi ki malik nahi. Aur woh. Instagram ka hero. Story pe story. “Alhamdulillah I’m blessed.” Blessed? Mujhe dikha dikha ke, mujhe use kar ke blessed? Bhaar mein jaaye woh aur uski blessed wali posts. Mujhe ulti aati hai. Har like, har “couple goals” comment mere gala ghont raha hai. Main dua nahi kar rahi — main gidhgidh rahi hoon. Toot jaaye ye rishta. Aaj toot jaaye. Abhi toot jaaye. Agar nahi toota to main khatam ho jaungi, Maryam khatam ho jaayegi. Sirf ek “bahu” reh jaayegi jo saans le rahi hai lekin zinda nahi. Main kisi ko nahi bata sakti. Sab kahenge “sabar karo.” Sabar kar kar ke meri haddiyan tak dukh rahi hain. Main sabar nahi, azaadi chahti hoon. Ya Allah, tu dekh raha hai na? Tu janta hai na ke main kitni akeli hoon is kamray mein? Darwaaza band hai, lekin main phir bhi mehfooz nahi mehsoos karti. Kyunki asal qaid to is rishtay ki hai. Tod de. Meri jaan chura le is se. Main jeena chahti hoon. Apni sharton pe jeena chahti hoon. Main so nahi sakti. Jab bhi aankh lagti hai, uski family ka chehra aa jata hai. Ammi keh rahi hain “beti adjust kar lo.” Kis cheez mein adjust karun? Apni rooh bech doon? Aaj phir usne post lagayi. Meri tasveer, uska haath. Caption: “My dua got accepted.” Meri dua? Meri dua to ye hai ke zameen phat jaaye aur mujhe nigal le, agar is rishtay se nikalne ka koi aur raasta nahi. Usay andaza bhi nahi ke uski “dua accepted” meri zindagi ki “azaab started” hai. Raat ko chhat pe gayi. Aasman ko dekha aur khwahish ki ke kaash main parinda hoti. Udd jaati. Na rishtay, na log, na “log kya kahenge.” Sirf main, aur meri khamoshi. Abbu ne aaj kaha “Beta, hum tumhara bura nahi chahte.” Abbu, aap ko andaza bhi nahi ke aap mera bura kar rahe ho. Muhabbat ke naam par meri qabar khod rahe ho. Main “ji haan” kehte kehte thak gayi hoon. Mera gala dukh raha hai. Meri rooh dukh rahi hai. Main cheekh kar kehna chahti hoon: “MUJHE SHAADI NAHI KARNI.” Lekin is ghar mein to cheekhne ke liye bhi ijazat chahiye. Ya Allah, agar tu ne mujhe paida kiya hai, to mujhe jeenay bhi de. Kisi ki marzi ki gudiya ban kar nahi, apni marzi ki Mushk ban kar. Bas. Aaj itna hi likh sakti hoon. Shayad kal phir thoda mar kar jee loongi. Ya Allah! Don’t ignore me. Main janti hoon tu sab sunta hai, lekin aaj lag raha hai meri aawaz tujh tak nahi pohanch rahi. Ya shayad main hi toot gayi hoon itni ke dua bhi sahi se nahi nikalti. Main Mushk hoon. Lekin aaj kal main sirf ek “rishta” hoon. Ek photo. Ek degree. Ek “haan” ka intezar. Har koi poochta hai “shaadi kab?” Koi nahi poochta “Mushk kaisi ho?” “Mushk kya chahti hai?” “Mushk zinda bhi hai ya sirf saans le rahi hai?” Aaj Ammi ne kaha “Log baatein bana rahe hain.” To banaane do. Meri zindagi unki baaton se choti kyun ho jaaye? Abbu ne sir jhuka liya. Unki khamoshi mujhe sab se zyada maar rahi hai. Kyunki woh samajhte hain, lekin bolte nahi. Aur main ghut rahi hoon. Ya Allah, main tujh se naraaz nahi. Main in se thak gayi hoon. Inki “fikar” se. Inki “izzat” se. Inke “hum tumhara bhalay chahte hain” se. Agar ye bhalay hai, to buray mein kya bacha hai? Ya Allah, agar tu ne bhi mujhe ignore kiya, to main naraaz ho jaungi. Pagal ho jaungi. Furious ho jaungi. Main janti hoon tu Rehman hai, tu Raheem hai. Lekin aaj main Rehmat nahi maang rahi. Main insaaf maang rahi hoon. Har raat main tujh se baat karti hoon. Har raat jawab sirf deewaron ki khamoshi hoti hai. Main Mushk hoon. Main koi farishta nahi. Main thak gayi hoon “sabr” ke naam pe zinda dafan hote hote. Ammi kehti hain “Allah ki marzi.” Allah ki marzi? Ya tum logon ki marzi jisko tum Allah ka naam de dete ho? Log aate hain, mujhe dekhte hain, gosht ki dukan pe boti pasand karte hain. Aur phir kehte hain “larki mein koi kharabi to nahi?” Kharabi? Tumhari soch mein kharabi hai. Tumhari nazar mein kharabi hai. Main sahi salamat hoon. Main poori hoon. Ya Allah, tu ne mujhe banaya hai. To tu hi mujhe bacha. Agar tu bhi chup raha, to main kis se kahoon? Agar tu ne bhi meri nahi suni, to main tujh se bhi larna shuru kar doongi. Haan. Main naraaz ho jaungi. Furious ho jaungi. Kyunki main kamzor nahi. Main sirf akeli hoon. Aur akeli larki ko bhi jeenay ka haq hai. Mujhe nikaal is tamaashe se. Mujhe mat bana “khandaan ki izzat.” Mujhe Mushk rehne de. Warna main cheekh cheekh ke aasman phaar doongi. Aur phir mat kehna ke Mushk badtameez ho gayi thi. Mushk sirf zinda rehna chahti thi. Sun raha hai na tu? Ignore mat karna. Please. Warna main toot jaungi, aur mera ghussa tujh tak pohanche ga.