So I met a guy. My parents were against him. He is 20, im 3 years younger. So he begged my mom to take me out on a date, drove all the way from Connecticut to see me which was a 4 hour drive. then we went out. I really like him. And after a while, he spoke to my parents and got to know them, my mom really likes him and says she has two sons right now, him and my brother. lol. Then he asked my parents to marry me. He asked me before, I said yes but I won’t go through with it without them saying yes. My mom said yes after him asking for a while, and said she would make his life hell. But we really like eachother. Ik I’m young, but I really like him so much. The way he speaks, looks, acts, how respectful he is with everyone. And so much more. But lately, I remember the mistakes I’ve done in the past and the trauma I’ve undergone and I keep thinking that I’m too dirty for him or something like this- like for example, I was assaulted for years-🍇- and it ended when I was 13. But then I’m not scared of physical touch with him, I can’t even hug my own mother, but I always seem to want to hold his hand and look at him. But lately I remember stuff, the nightmares came back, and stuff, and I start to think I’m dirty again and not worthy of stuff like. And I keep thinking that he shouldn’t hold my hand or speak to me because he deserves someone not riddled with trauma and mental issues. I don’t know how to stop these thoughts. And then I also remember the mistakes I’ve done as a result- and I start thinking that I’ve done too much bad stuff to be with him, even though I know in my heart that past doesn’t matter, but intentions do. I don’t want to spiral and end it, because I’m completely terrified of men but only comfortable around him, like I would rather do anything then touch a man but then with him, I always wanna look at him, and not scared of physical touch with him, in fact, I want to hold hands with him and stuff and he respects my boundaries and listens when I speak, like we talk about the future all the time, and we talk about when we will get married in a few years, or how many kids, or where we would go on vacation, or fun stuff. I don’t want to spiral on this topic. 😕😕😕
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