i went to the strip mall by myself at night and spent 2 hours looking for a halloween costume in different stores. the only thing i bought was an iced coffee. i drove home in the dark, listening to math rock on the radio, and then sat in the driveway for a good 30 minutes. i spent some of it looking at my face in the mirror and wondering if what i saw was real. i spent another part trying to talk to my online friend; she never responded. the rest was spent on fantasizing a friendship. imagining someone sitting in the passenger seat, listening to my problems, telling me funny jokes, just being there physically. it's been 7 years since i've had a real-life friend. i'm starting to think that there's some flaw in my biological composition that makes people repulsed by my presence. classmates don't sit by me, family doesn't spend time with me, coworkers won't make eye contact. though i feel like making friends won't be able to fix what i've become in the years of isolation