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Dear stranger, I don’t really know how to start this, but....I need to get this off my mind. I'm tired Of what? Everything Everyone But one person Lately I been having trouble..crying then numb then my heart stabbed. My whole life this has happened. You think snice I'm older I would be use to it. I'm so fucking not. My real father is on drugs... When I was six I push him out of my life Cause one I knew where that was going And two I knew that leaving drugs and beer around me was not right....fun fact I had my first beer at four or five and I puke on him after sipping it. Anyways he got back into my life. I decided "sure" Worst thing ever He less druggie sure But he ignores me every other week unless he wants to play victim with my mother who still defends him cause her first love. But like he beat her My first memory is her broke nose Like a baddie she didn't cry She went to the bathroom and snapped it I'm place which btw is dangerous and do not do. Go to a hospital. That was so scary. That is just the tip of the iceberg. I wanna scream at him But it not him anymore. The man who called me princess is gone And so is that poor little girl. But like a fucking fool I let hin back Thinking she could be alive again That he could be alive again Today he yelled at my mother through text Again After weeks of him ignoring her Then randomly while she finally fights back He says don't text me I'm going through something When i saw that... I sat and stare at the floor like "oh..." I have this lingering feeling... Another daddy issues girl I guess I should be understanding I should be fine But honestly....I'm not I wanna cut myself again I wanna fuck a random guy I wanna do something to get my mind off it But I cant... Why? Cause that'd weak That's not me... If it was sure okay? But me is the girl who smiles and laughs and makes sure everyone is okay and not mad at her. I'm never mad unless someone hurt my mom....but lately I'm mad...now today I'm sad. When can I be okay again? When will my body give that permission? Like June 14 body is like sure you earn it Wtf! I was okay for years well not okay okay But I was good at faking it Now I can't do that even Sadly the only reason he reach out is cause he getting sober for my young siblings that are from a different mother. I haven't even met them. All I can think is Are they gonna be okay? Is he gonna finally grown up for them? If not how can I help? Then I have a selfish thought "Why couldn't he get sober for me?" "Why can't I have a dad?" "Did I murder someone in my past life? If so how? And who? That interesting subject" What should I do this? How should I react? How can I get better?